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When the Texas Legislature moved to ban puberty blockers and hormone remedy for minors in 2023, Colin Zicko fearful about trans teenagers.
Zicko, 22 on the time, knew what it was prefer to be a young person seemingly trapped within the incorrect physique, determined to cease the gendered adjustments introduced on by puberty and higher align his bodily options to the particular person inside.
He additionally knew what it was prefer to be denied that possibility. Assigned feminine at start, Zicko got here out as trans when he was a teen. With out his dad and mom’ permission, he couldn’t start puberty blockers or hormone remedy, ushering in what he calls the “tunnel years,” when darkness closed in, his psychological well being plummeted and he contemplated suicide.
When he lastly began hormone remedy as an grownup, it felt like he may breathe once more, the fixed noise in his head about his physique and gender presentation quieting sufficient to permit him to assume. Zicko was offended that legislators had been making an attempt to take that peace from teenagers whose dad and mom supported their transition.
After which he obtained a name from his physician.
“The nurse, her voice was broken up and she was trying not to cry,” he remembers. “She said, ‘I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to stop caring for you.’”
Although he was an grownup, Zicko’s physician was at Dell Kids’s Medical Heart in Austin. In Could 2023, all of the suppliers out of the blue left the clinic after Lawyer Normal Ken Paxton opened an investigation, citing a video sting by Venture Veritas, a right-wing activist group, that claimed the apply supplied sure gender-affirming care to sufferers as younger as eight.
Zicko had two months of hormones left. In all places he known as had monthslong wait lists. As an grownup, there is no such thing as a regulation stopping Zicko from accessing hormone remedy. However as he and different trans adults are studying, the state’s hostility towards trans-related well being look after minors has sharply curtailed their potential to entry care as nicely.
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“An attack on any trans person, regardless of their age, is an attack on the entire community,” mentioned Laura Terrill, CEO of Deliberate Parenthood South Texas, which gives transition care to adults. “While the bans have been focused on minors, which is heart wrenching, the impact that it’s having on adults, trans adults is in shame and stigma, and questions of whether or not they’re going to be able to continue to access the health care that they need and deserve.”
Escaping the tunnel
As a younger child in rural Louisiana, Zicko didn’t assume a lot about gender. All the children performed collectively, had the identical pursuits and dressed equally.
Then he moved to suburban Texas to dwell together with his dad.
“All of a sudden, I was told that I needed to wear a dress. If I wanted to wear jeans, it was only while I was playing. I had to wear pink,” he remembers. “And very immediately, it felt wrong.”
When Zicko was 14, he got here out to his household as trans. Confused and annoyed, his dad made him sew and put on a costume to show he was a woman. With out his dad’s permission to get on hormones, Zicko began binding his breasts, consuming meals that he thought may enhance his testosterone and quickly losing a few pounds to attempt to stave off puberty.
The extra his physique modified to appear like a girl’s, the more severe his gender dysphoria, the misery somebody can really feel when their physique doesn’t match their gender identification, turned. He began smoking marijuana and disassociated from actuality as a lot as potential, unable to abdomen residing in a physique that felt so international.
When he was 19, he lastly went to see a gender-affirming gynecologist, who linked him with docs at Dell Kids’s. They provided not simply transition-related care however a holistic expertise — he met with a dietician who helped him after years of disordered consuming, a phlebotomist who saved up together with his blood work, and a variety of different well being care suppliers to assist handle his power circumstances.
Getting on testosterone modified his bodily look. It additionally calmed the nervousness and gender-fixation that had plagued him for years. Issues that had loomed so giant for him, like what he perceived as girlish arms, receded to a normal-sized fear.
“Gender dysphoria is a lying little bitch,” he mentioned.
After years caught within the tunnel, Zicko got here into the sunshine and began residing because the trans masculine particular person he at all times knew he was. He obtained a job, discovered a group and reconnected together with his dad. He lastly obtained his dad’s help by framing it as a problem of non-public freedom from authorities oversight, which appeared to do the trick.
“I know people who are like, if somebody’s been transphobic to you before, never forgive them,” he mentioned. “But I’m very, very forgiving with people who have changed. People are just ignorant. Ignorance isn’t a sin.”
Texas tackles trans points
Within the years since Zicko got here out, being trans in Texas has gotten each simpler and tougher. Extra persons are popping out, creating extra group, connection and power in numbers. However the backlash has been fierce, particularly from conservative lawmakers within the Texas Legislature.
Texas, like most crimson states, has primarily centered on legislating what youngsters can do. They’ve restricted what sports activities groups trans college students can play on, tried to restrict what they are often taught about gender and sexuality, and banned minors from medically transitioning. Gov. Greg Abbott ordered the state’s baby welfare company to examine dad and mom of trans youngsters, and Lawyer Normal Ken Paxton introduced investigations and lawsuits towards docs that provided these companies.
Although these efforts focused trans youngsters, the results have rippled throughout age teams. Some docs left Texas proactively, whereas others who had been focused for treating minors additionally handled adults, leaving these sufferers with out suppliers.
Deliberate Parenthood South Texas gives gender-affirming care to adults at its clinics in San Antonio and the Rio Grande Valley. Demand has quadrupled since 2018, as extra folks transition with fewer docs to deal with them.
“There’s so much misinformation from patients about what they are still able to access in Texas,” Terrill mentioned. “So much of our work is providing patient reassurance and making sure our patients know their rights.”
When Zicko’s docs out of the blue left Texas in spring 2023, he had two months of testosterone left. He known as clinics and gender-affirming gynecologists throughout the Austin space, every with a waitlist longer than the final. The soonest appointment he may get was October, six months away.
When his remedy ran out, the outdated, acquainted darkness returned. His interval got here again, his voice began to go excessive once more and he felt his physique altering, bringing with it crippling bodily ache. He was usually unable to get away from bed, unable to go to work, unable to think about issues ever getting higher.
Determined, he made one other spherical of calls and was in a position to get a last-minute appointment with Deliberate Parenthood, the place they refilled his testosterone and set him up with a brand new care group.
“And thank god, because I got to the point that I could not go another week,” he mentioned. “I wanted to die, not because of my thoughts, but because I was hurting so much.”
Since then, he’s gotten a brand new job and moved in together with his girlfriend. He’s residing a life he by no means may have imagined when he was a young person. He’s completely happy.
However he is aware of the battle isn’t over. These months with out care foreshadowed the ache and struggling trans folks might expertise if conservatives get their means, he mentioned. The Texas Legislature will return in January, emboldened by incoming President Donald Trump, who has promised to enact an aggressive anti-trans agenda. Zicko is aware of extra restrictions, extra hostility, extra debates over his proper to dwell his life as he wishes are on the horizon.
His dad provided to pay for him to maneuver out of state so he can reliably entry well being care and perhaps really feel safer. He is aware of trans individuals who have left Texas, however he’s determined to stay it out.
“They want us to leave, because the more of us that leave, the less people there will be to fight,” he mentioned, echoing a sentiment from his girlfriend. “But I want to stay. Because as long as there’s one trans person in Texas, then there are trans people in Texas.”
