What’s left of the conservative motion, aside from one lengthy grift?
Right here, I’ll present you.
FREEDOM WATER
“It’s not just refreshing,” says the shill, ‘it’s rebellious, and it’s unapologetic to drink this in public.”
So now you understand, if you wish to drink water in public and never must apologize to anybody, Freedom 2 O Water is your solely alternative.
FREEDOM RAZOR BLADES
Do you’ve got an issue with woke taking on your rest room? Worry not!
Promising to “kick woke out of your bathroom,” Jeremy’s affords freedom blades and shaving gel. What’s so conservative about them? In response to Jeremy’s website, they’re much more conservative than Harry’s and Day by day Wire, with whom that they had a deal. “[A]fter we said that boys are boys and girls are girls, they publicly condemned our views as ‘inexcusable’ and dropped their ads because of what they called “values misalignment,” Jeremy’s says on its website. Oh, the free market labored as meant.
What else? “Woke corporations spend all of your money on DEI. We spent it on a better razor,” they proclaim. It’s actually information that company America “spend[s] all your money on DEI.” Somebody ought to test that out.
So there you’ve got it, if a company can’t be bigoted, it’s woke. Therefore:
FREEDOM BEER
Are you bored with woke beer, with all that scrumptious bigotry stripped out? Everybody is aware of that the particular ingredient in beer is love hate.
“Classic American Lager,” says the product web page. ”Gentle and crisp sufficient to get pleasure from on the boat or golf course all day, stuffed with taste, and 100% Woke-Free!” Wow! The place do I enroll?
Hmmm, in order for you shitty beer, Walmart has Bud Gentle for $21. However that’s in all probability stuffed with woke, so I’m certain it’s properly value paying virtually $58 to keep away from getting any woke cooties on you.
FREEDOM SNEAKERS
An immediate traditional:
Considered one of Trump’s most superb traits is that regardless of claiming to be value billions, he’ll debase himself for the smallest cons. And 1,000 pairs of sneakers at $399 is simply $399,000.
They gained’t begin transport till July, so we will’t wait to see simply how shitty these are once they truly get in individuals’s arms.
FREEDOM PETS
Watch out to not get any woke into your pets.
“Not all dog food companies prioritize your dog’s well-being. Some companies promote trendy ingredients and expensive recipes like fresh and raw, but these do not necessarily offer proven health benefits for your dog,” says their advertising copy. So please, don’t feed your canine contemporary meals. It’s not confirmed to be wholesome. Solely stuff that’s been sitting in a warehouse for months will do on your good AMERICAN pet.
“Moreover, many pet food brands use your money to support a progressive political agenda. You can observe this through the release of bug and vegan recipes, which reveals their priorities,” they declare. They then present a graph with clear, conclusive proof that no matter recipe these different firms use of their meals interprets on to supporting progressive causes. “With Old Guard, you can provide premium nutrition for your dog without compromising your traditional American values.”
You may select totally different pet food merchandise like BIG GUNS, ALL AMERICAN, PATRIOT POWER, and BATTLE BISCUITS. The dearth of a FREEDOM selection looks as if a misplaced alternative.
FREEDOM COFFEE
Espresso should have a comparatively low bar to entry, as a result of there are A LOT of roasters attempting to experience the MAGA grift prepare. Like this one:
“Blackout Coffee was founded in Florida in 2018 because we were tired of giving our money to coffee companies that didn’t share our values,” they declare. “Our brand is bigger than just coffee. We are a purpose-driven company that acknowledges the people and traditions that make our country great. We are known for supporting traditional American values, military, first-responders, and hard-working people all across the country.”
One factor lacking from all their advertising supplies? The supply of their espresso, as a result of uh-oh, then they will’t be “all-American.” Admitting their items come from south of the border can be disqualifying.
FREEDOM BANK
Is Wall Road too woke for you? After all it’s! Fortunately, you’ve got choices:
Do they honor the privateness and liberty to make your individual well being care decisions? Get out of right here, that’s woke.
Do they honor the liberty to learn no matter books you need? Nope. Gotta burn the unhealthy ones.
What about safety from excessive climate patterns which might be making it unimaginable to insure houses in lots of elements of Florida and California? Nope. World local weather change is woke.
However they will actively recruit Jan. 6 insurrectionists, as a result of, you understand, “liberty.”
I hope you loved this style of the conservative anti-woke grifting ecosystem! Personally, I help it wholeheartedly. The extra they overspend on these items, the much less they’ve to provide to political organizations and causes.
